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Sex
by Pete Marchesi
Do I believe in my life
That I need to
Or do
Things have come up against me
The words seem to circle
In my brain
So left without
Bereft...
I find enemies everywhere
Cast out and left alone
I cannot even sleep
Strange dreams
I have been having
I have become shy and withdrawn
Down... where I do not go
I go
And it is simple in my mind
Then
I will have to keep to it
And be mindful of others
I care about them greatly
Even though
Even though...
Thoughts come to me
I perspire
So messed from all the excuses
People do not even make
They want me to think of them
And please them
I cannot do so
Anymore
I am almost out of life
It is going too fast
For me to catch up
They say I am slow...
The sun is coming up
I have little to live for
Do I even want to
I just need time to slow down
Perhaps I could enjoy myself
Then
Too much to keep up with
Why do they want so much
I ask myself
I feel disturbed
Like I should be worried about something
Need to calm down
Feel the cool breeze
There has been no stop in me
For a long time
Should I be worried
Shhh
The night majestic
The sun creeping forth
My body tried and true
Ready
My nerves... on edge
And frail
I guess I need to be worried
Third... cup of coffee
I am feeling good
Was in the madhouse the whole week
My sister is letting me free
At restaurant
And... surrounded by acquaintances
I must keep a vigil
Things collide in me
I must keep a vigil
It is hard to do so
They talk behind my back
And call themselves my friends...
I must keep a vigil
I have been lonely a long time
Outcast
Not of this...
I feel strong
But bitter
I see the customers come in
They pretend not to know me
What is in me
I need to know
I... need to be thorough
I am worn out
It is too hard to think
There is in me
A storm
Of emotion
I need someone to talk to
Someone... precious
My mother is gambling
Down in San Diego
We do not think
I have to depend on... someone
People reprimand me
They don’t know why
I pay attention
I guess we are subtle
It makes no difference
It is that
I need someone to confide in
It has been so hard
They go by
I ignore them
Customers...
It is a revolution of the mind
The way... they meet
With each other
And they make themselves feel special
About it
I don’t mind
It is vain and trite
They are mean with it
I think they just want to be famous
In the community...
I have been thinking of money
I cannot pretend
No one is friendly
I will not be... too forceful
They will be against it
Time goes on
The coffee makes me feel alert
I had some ham and eggs...
Feel a little sick
My nerves no good
I am ignored
It is not good for me
A favorite restaurant to many
The food is good
But the service is dismal
I have been cast out
I am still here
I am still ignored
It is simple
I am not liked
They do not need to like... me
I do nothing for them
I never will
I watch the TV
They are without emotion
They do not need to be
I am still ignored
Inconsequential
I do not mind it
I have gotten used to it
I go out with my brother today
To go get some coffee
And see some fancy cars
My sister is good to me
I do not say much to her
She may change her mind
I am sore... inside
Everyone is indifferent
I ask myself
About a sense of community
They do not share
Anything
I need a girlfriend
Quickly
A home... to go to
A refuge
From the rancid waste of life
I will not marry
I will have ren
It could be
I am no good at knowing...
It makes no difference in my head
This used to be our... restaurant
There once was a family
I do not know them
Compassion...
It is the word for the day
I do not want... to feel it for anyone
I have been struck too many times
My body...
I cannot trust my mind
And have to be very careful
I try to be friendly
Nobody gives me any relief
I need a girlfriend
I say to a friend
Of the... family
He does not seem to mind
He is a psychiatrist
I will not care
About what he says
I am so old now
We are going to look at fancy cars...
Today
I will not be frightened
I do not like an agitated crowd
Where do I find myself
They are so forlorn
Everybody
I am happy
Because I need to be
I go outside to wait for my brother
Coffee in my hand
Cigarette on my mind
I am so confused
Dangerous to be like this
The convoluted crowd
It will not be any fun
I prefer simpler things
Looking at a tree
Hoping for a bird...
I am outside the restaurant
A customer goes in
He looks... nice
You cannot tell
They all have money around here
You are supposed... to be feeling good
The women look for security
Not love
It is a dry day
The air is thin
My nerves are in shreds
Too much exposure
It is about ten miles to the car show
Will we make it
I can hardly stand up
I have been reasoning too much
And am constantly having to defend myself
I do not feel good
I must breathe
And make the tension go away
Trouble in my life
Big trouble
I am waiting for the attacks
I am defenseless
They have no other choice
The coffee is good
It is cold now
I will not accept transcendence
It is my will
I need them to be recognized
My enemies
I want them to tell me
Why they hate me
It is hard
I am talking about people that relish
Suicide in you
I will fight them
I am ready
They attempt to humiliate me
At all times
It is nothing to them
It is just their way
That is why I cannot make friends
Here
It makes me very unhappy
There are no kind words for them to say
I am still waiting for my brother
It should be time
I look around
No one
What are we doing... here
Making each other sick... with worry
What is love to you
I guess it must be something useful
They... are here
At car show
The viciousness sweeps over me
The air is bad
Fumes...
The cars are expensive
I feel delicate
I never want to see a car again
My body...
I can’t decide on it
Tension
Like you cannot believe
My brother goes around taking photographs
Silent
Adamant
None of us can afford it
The car owners strut...
It is a beautiful day
I try to keep to it
Feel weak
My brother and his son
They are somewhere now...
Glad I got away from them
In the shade
There is money on their minds here
It has it’s uses
A car...
Built to speed along
Lonely and drifting
They are drawn to an accident
Any kind of accident
The sky is blue
Be brave I say to myself
But what is the use
They just walk through things
Not caring about anything
People...
I take my time now
Away from my family
My mind... settling down
I do not know the danger of it
Please tell me
It is dangerous to be alive
They just go...
Need to rest for a long time
And I have a day and a half to do it
What do people want
It is said they want to be needed
I guess they think that is love
Love...
Need a woman to go to
I know it now
But where can I find such a thing
Most of them ignore you
They don’t care what you are feeling
They say they want to be happy
But they make you feel bad
Need to breathe...
I want a woman comfortable with life
That does not like to complain
It is good in the shade
Feel abrupt
So much tension
My mind circles the world
Finding nothing
Need to breathe
Feel good somehow
What do we hold onto
No one knows
They are abrupt and... careless
Here they are
We go
Made it back...
At my brother’s house
I kind of call it home
They say... I have no excuse for it
I rebel
I do not care about it
A lot of tension is gone
The car show was good
Too many cars
My family is okay
I love them
Try to...
We share a lot
There are memories
We don’t exactly agree with each other
On many things
I leave it alone
But...
I am to do some things
By them
They fight against it
They do not listen to me
I don’t know why
It makes me feel insignificant
I tough it out
But it gets to me
I am in the garage
A good space for me
Only on the weekends
During the week I am lost
I can hardly carry myself
I got into the madhouse somehow
They keep me there
During the week
I know the place well
The mind turns
And the people running the place
Do not turn with you
Tension
Aloneness
It is an awful feeling
You are made to feel useless
That is so that they can keep you
They feed you
And insist it is safe
I feel my mind...
I must have lost it
So easy to do
If you have been kept in the madhouse
They do not try to give you
Anything worthwhile to do
Like prepare you for a good job
When you get out
You have to be praising them
For being good to you
All the time
If you are in there
...Fighting for your life
Their intentions are suspect
People get out of there
Wearied by life
Made to feel unimportant and extreme
I say... I just need some love
But it must be real
They call me creative and stupid
They do not know...
I am sad for them
Cast out... of my home
I was sick of them anyway
They did not exactly like me
At any time
I don’t know what it is about me
I am straightforward
I do not like some things
And say so
I am of the belief
That we should do more
Than just live our lives
We have to contribute
To the community
Even if the community
Is... abrupt
They said they never wanted me back
I might as well be dead
Sad...
I am over it
But dealing with it
Makes me tired
I get confused
And smoke too much
I get deep into it
It is of no use
I treat myself gently
And eat lots of ice cream
I need to
I act out of desperation
Now
I don’t think there is a way back home
They say I am welcome to it
I cannot be too strong with them
They proceed
With their lives and beliefs
I leave it alone
I continue my gambling and smoking
And my... weird things
It keeps me happy
As an outcast
I leave the community of friends
Out of it
Sitting in the garage
Breathing
I don’t know how to speak to them
On some level
I have gotten just wasted away
I don’t know what to do about it
I am just trying to be the same person
I have always been
Despite being in the madhouse
Many of them
Become detached from reality
Being in there
They can get no jobs
What is their future...
What a waste of time
This is not community
My brother is upstairs sleeping
He is a good brother
Insults me a bit too much
It is just play
But I worry a lot about him
I have to be steady
I am going down again
My brain is tightening up
My breathing is constricted
And my nerves are tingling
I feel heat
The tension...
Cast out
It is no great thing
I look far away
They do not know how to speak to me
Or how to argue
They just know how to be defiant
I do not fight that much
My heart is beating rapidly
I can’t look around me in a normal way
Starting to feel very worn out
They put a lot of medication in me
It only serves to disorientate me
They even say that that is a good thing
We need to think of new things
It is their premise
That we learn about life in their... way
It is disconcerting
People change their beliefs
For these intruders
The body is good enough
To live without medications
They say I am ridiculous
A lot of these medications are permanent
They have to be sure of getting a check
I look around the garage...
It is nice
It is home
We are all nice to each other
But we get on each other’s nerves
In a bad way
We mostly have to leave each other alone
There are raised voices and tears
Always... ultimatums
It is a nice garage
I hold onto what happiness I can
I have been without... them
For a long time
I am even confused about them
It takes me to the edge
There is a lot of tension
I am known to the police
Because of my sister
It is a disturbing... thing
I never thought that something like that
Would happen
I have never worried about my reputation
But it is unreasonable
She does not take it that way
She won’t talk about it
It makes me feel like I must be
Very far away from them
It might just get to the point
Where... I lose complete touch with them
I have to be realistic
The tension and worry builds in me
What to do with my body...
I wish they would leave me alone sometimes
I feel the heat
I have some me kind of fever
My chest is tightening up
I need a cigarette
They don’t love me anymore...
They do not care what happens to me
It is only a duty to them
I try to breathe
A tightness in my chest
Where is that cigarette...
Can’t move now
It is just as well
Just want to be...
There is too much confusion going on
It is terrible
I contribute to the community
The best that I can
I leave nothing out
I have been cast out...
There is an endless anger in me
I cannot trust anyone and more
Not family
Friends
Strangers...
I stare at the page
How can I get a woman for myself
Amidst these... extremities
I hear a door slam
Is it my brother
I am too tired to see
I need a cup of coffee
I feel so weak and sore
I need to get back to myself
I let go of the tension
I let it go where it needs to
Relaxed
Oblivious
It is okay to be that way
If you are alone
And will not be disturbed
The madhouse...
It is a terrible thing to think of
I go outside
I am smoking
I need to be left alone
The pain in my heart goes away
I... feel beautiful
A little breeze
And pretty warm
How to get through a hard thing
An outcast
Left alone in the world
God cries for me
He loves me
I need it only now and then
I do not insist on it
I am not impatient
For it...
I need it to be quiet
Silent
So I can listen to him...
The cigarette is good too
Bugs around
The place
Flying in the sunshine
A hummingbird after a butterfly
He loses
The smoke from the cigarette
Is slow and beautiful
I feel so full of love
It could be pretty need a woman for it
Where are they...
Shhh
The world is emptying out
No one here
It is perfect
I love the sunshine
The way it feels
It is Saturday
People working hard
At the tourist business
Everyone is on holiday
It feels like it
They are just looking around
At things
In this world
Love
I feel good
Where did that tension go
I breathe
There are shadows and green
It is perfect
And all mine
Pretty weird
I am feeling pretty strange
I laugh
Another day from the madhouse
It is not gentle
As they promise it to be
Disturbing at best
You must always be asking to leave
No matter what they say
And fight... for the means to do it
My body is relaxed
My mind has taken refuge
The tension is gone
I feel my heart again
It beats
A car passes by
The race is far away...
What am I going to do
When I do not have this place
Anymore
My brother cannot provide everything
And I will need to work
I hate it so
I need to work for a good person
Difficult to find
Shhh
My mind turning
Things going away
No friends
Cast out by the community
Left
It is a free feeling
Despite the conceivable consequences
I will not be hard on myself
I will care...
Abrupt
I guess it is a feeling of longing
To be unrestricted
A reaction
To what does not please you
I have hope...
In others
Not much
But I go on with my life
There are atom bombs
And the possibility of total annihilation
But all they want is to go
To the doctor
An unrelenting...
I reach out to a woman
This one is not a good idea
She keeps on robbing me
And... she tells me how nice I am
I tell myself
It is all that I have got
Pretty stupid
Of me
She is reckless and vastly overweight
She has eyes that see into me
The only thing is
That I do not know
How to protect myself from her
It was only a bit of flirting...
I will not worry about it
She has a great anger
Which I am very scared of
I am loosening up
It is afternoon
I need time to go slowly
I hope for it
I want going back to the madhouse
To be as far away as possible
She will not answer...
Even my bones are tired now
I need to recover fully
So that I can take on the madhouse
Again
This coming week
They are so kind...
I am in the shade
Quiet
Alone
Full of trust
For God
And his reasoning
In putting us here
We are not violent
Wayward beliefs make us so
See your body
As an important thing
It can do everything
You do not need others...
I give you hope
I need it myself
The battle to stay... myself
Has been arduous
I sink into it
It is day
I am alive
I like it that way
And I believe God is present
That’s pretty cool
I am simmering down
Shhh
The words is a benevolent place
With people committed to good things
Even though
Confusion
Has become rampant
I take my time now...
Aah
I feel good
There are no obstacles around here
It is clear
God is aware
He is particular
And I do not pry
It has been a while away from him
I am sure he must think
Me in terrible danger
I need a woman and ren
I try my best to please others
I feel no love or...
Passion
No one is intent
You need to be competent
Thoughtful about the dangers
You need to be alone
And quiet with it
It gives you strength
I whistle
Try to speak to the birds that way
I am sure
They just get mad at me
My mother is gambling... today
She always insists
It is hard
I am going off to talk to that woman again
I am back...
What do you want to tell me
She just doesn’t love me that is all
I feel so lonely
She is away from the computer
Facebook
Private chatting
I need her to respond
She must know...
I am with her in some way
I guess it is foolish
She tends to be violent
I don’t know how to stop it in her
But she has been homeless a long time
It is a good excuse
I am sitting inside the garage now
It is cool
Everything is in place
There is a crow outside...
They are strange birds
They are very purposeful
And do not miss
Anything
Oh I am so tired
There was a lot of tension
My brother is asleep...
As of late
He has been very good to me
Kind...
Thoughtful
And helpful
The crow is calling me outside
I laugh
I will not go
It is heating up now
It is like summer
When is this woman going to be on Facebook again
I am going to leave it alone
An alternative
Is to leave a nasty... note on Craigslist
And see
If some nice woman will catch on
I am playing cards
I am being alone
There is no one to disturb me
I should get up to something
Craigslist is a good idea
I have no transportation
But I do have video on this phone
I’ll forget about it
And go outside
I was losing at cards
Luck is always
Strange
It makes sense that nothing can be permanent
I do not move
I think my body has found a place to rest
The madhouse...
It is no match for me
I say to myself
Anything difficult
Is not insurmountable
You can overcome it
I rest
I think of something sexual
I am not going to say
I believe in privacy
And doing things... for yourself
Only
I dare not speak
A silence has come into me
This body needs to be resuscitated
With love... or passion
I differentiate
Passion is not so well understood
A love for life...
And what it can do to you
I am thirsty
I am concentrating very hard
I need to tell God I love him
Why are we are
I am sure we know in some way
How difficult can it be
We talk
Communicate
In incredible ways
It is full...
Of surprise and value
We are... human beings
Don’t take a chance with us
We know what we are doing
I gamble too much
I have been away from it
For eight... months
I am pretty good at it
In it’s own way
It is a world full of doubt
And surprise
And losing... feels
Strange
Money is going unimportant
In life you have to learn... to give things
Away
Like they don’t matter
And like they will not
Make any... difference to you
You see the true value of life
If you do it
I won’t explain it
Stay safe...
I am waiting for a reply
From that poor woman
It is her birthday next Saturday
I am coming down well now
The tension was terrible
People can tell
How much pressure I am under
They think it a failing
And not the fault of the madhouse
Need to walk...
I go look at the transgenders
I like the real ones
Took... a long walk
Feel better
My brother has not been sleeping
He has been working on his photography
All day long
He has gone to sleep... now
I will forget about sex
And on the Craigslist
All there is...
Is photos of puppies
I need to forget the madhouse
And... take steps
I shall call this a Green Day
I have not had many of them
It is partly my objective
To shock... people
They are too quiet
They get so angry
At nothing
They take it too personally
I am with God
Now
It opens up my mind
Gives me breath...
There is a crow
Is it the same one from earlier
I do not know
He is in a bad mood
I do not acknowledge he is there
Let him be...
On his own
We are in touch with reality here
I do not doubt it
We belong
Need a woman
Terribly much
A transgender...
They are loving
Complete people
Daring
And obvious
I wouldn’t mind one
But she will not commit
I am slowing down
In my mind
Taking precautions...
We are not stupid
There is a world
We need to know it
Well...
Without thoughts of obvious reprimand
People are cruel
Let it free
Some of them are beautiful
Many are stricken by sadness
And... ready for love
We do not know our bodies
I try to be pleased with myself
No fighting
I am against it
My brother is up in an hour
No time
I need to know my Lord well
There is no time
What we share...
From person to person
Makes us who we are
It is a treasure
...The information
The feelings that you begin to love
It is not beyond
You
To share peace
And be passionate about your body
And what you do with it
Love
Is an understanding
That has an intense sexual nature
That you can feel at all times
We go corrupt
The hummingbird is in the air
Buzzing and screeching away...
With it’s wings
d...
By any stillness of the heart
We hurry by
I shall take some time
Use my imagination
And be useful
I want to be real
God looks away
I laugh
I don’t know why
There are various presences
I tell them
I have been d so terribly
And that... there is never anyone to reclaim me
The madhouse fades away
It is somehow cool now
Cooler than it was before
There is a plane far away
An opening door
I go inside
A fluttering of wings...
And I stop
Where is that woman
She has been off Facebook for a while
There is no way to contact her
Doesn’t she know I need her
I begin to become breathless
To allude to
To give an impression of
Reasoning
Or common sense
I am not hungry
I should go inside
But it is terrible in there...
I can listen to music...
Out here
Where is my body
I need to know it better
We are all sexual
Malevolent
But quiet
And
Direct
I will waste the afternoon away
Alone
When it is dark...
It sounds like an evil dragon thing
I hear a fire engine
The poor people
I stop
And start to think about it
I cannot go there!
I need a
And a woman is useful that way...
So sad
They do not allow their daughters...
I am invincible!
The confusion begins
Tension...
I can’t share it with anyone
God is not here
He is far removed
The chirping of birds
The look of a body
I will be quiet
And wait
I have been damaged thoroughly lately
There is no stop in them
They want to be King
I will not fight
Or... corroborate them
They are of no value
And I forget
Them
I do not feel so lonely
I am aware
Of my
Sadness
Someone has arrived
I will be abrupt... now
The afternoon is taking forever
I must not lose my mind
Control...
It is a wicked house you call it
And that I am mean to you
You... are so demanding
It is my adventure
What I hold to
My body...
The birds have had a good day
I can hear it
The hummingbird scs by
Irritated...
I need... to laugh
Feel interested
Solutions... are not far away
In my life
I need to correct...
Things
And hold people to it
Hard to do
It is why I feel helpless
I need to breathe
The tension is back
It will go away...
I go check on that woman again
And light up a smoke
You go quick
It is over
Everybody is safe
What am I talking about
I crawl away
I wish it was night soon
I like the dark
It is private
Pertinent
It does not need to be
A lack of direction...
Always
My body is sinking into it
And feeling good
I have forgotten the madhouse
The... unstoppable morass
Perhaps this is all...
Not a good idea
People know me well
Not as passionate
Or caring
Or loving
They know me as adamant
A good way to be
They call me reckless
I am not...
I go inside
No
Smoking a cigarette
Taking my time with myself
I am thinking of women
Who can prevent it
I go inside
I am still here
My brother...
He said
It would be an hour
Before he came down
No time
I quiver
To say me ancient song
My body...
It cannot return
So much is lost here
And so easily
I am quiet
The neighbors...
Perhaps... I will go eat something
But I am not very hungry
They do not let out their daughters...
I do not know why
It is an injustice to them
The men parade about
It is of no use
Need to release
I don’t know how
I am grown up
I should... just work out
A way
Shhh
I am thinking
Of nothing much
It is what my body needs
Passion and breathing
And forgetfulness
We cannot attend
He can go and get the food
The place is too crazy for me
Nice restaurant
We... have been looking after it for years
He is still asleep
My brother works so hard
He depends on things
A good brother
To let me stay like this
I would be broken... if
Otherwise
I need a peaceful moment
I do not want to remember
Anything
The sun is beginning to sink
I have the opportunity to smoke
While outside the madhouse
I go in...
And disappear
I need that now
I think...
But it troubles me
So dangerous
To unfortunate ones
I feel... the blackness of night coming
Cast out...
It is rudimentary
The reasons have been dealt with
I would hope
But it is not known
I am always seeking a peaceful way to
Be
But... passion
For the moment
For God
For everything around you
Isn’t it pertinent
And different populations...
Don’t they fit
Don’t be extreme or jealous
It is a slow arrival
To the truth
Passion is real
It is all... that we are
I stop
Sounds...
Oh my God
I need a woman!
There is no movement
No one to answer me
I feel corrupt
Jealous of God
I have to be silent with it
I am breathing...
So tired
That madhouse... is a huge concern
It is interminable
No one bothers with it
There is hardly any criticism
The victims hold on
But they become so antagonized
They become violent
...With the overseers
Who fault them
As not being peaceful
People
They are
I drift...
It is no fault of mine
I do not want to go inside anymore
It is beyond... me
What the body can do
I care for it
Need to stay outside...
Perhaps I should go sleep
It is comfortable in that bed
Over... there
I look about
There is still light
From the sun
My brother leaves
Have a good time...
I am ready
But I wait
What is my plan
Perhaps to keep still
The sun is still... warm
I don’t think anyone is aware of me
Just a little bit...
Or... I could look at the internet
The sun is glaring at me...
I shall wait till it is deep into the night
I sit for a while
I am over it
They say they love me
They do not know who to love
I have become bitter and old
Not good
I have... to sit for a while
My head is spinning
Perhaps people know me too well
It can’t be...
I have secrets
I do not tell them
I hear footsteps...
Shhh
I have somehow found myself inside now
But it is not dark
Is it private
I let go
This foolishness
...Of everything
I try to be aware
There is somebody upstairs
That should not be there
They leave
What a pity
Betrayal in our midst
My brother is long gone
Who remains
It is confidential
I like to trust people
Whoever it is
They are fast
The footsteps are fast
Looking for something
Someone upstairs
I think it just someone taking a shower
That is good
Feel better now
I was thinking bad things were happening
I got some more cigarettes from the car
Silent
I go play around on the internet
Someone is taking a bath
I am scared
That bath doesn’t sound too secure up there
It had a big leak
About a month ago...
I do not want it to fall through
My sister texted me
She sounds okay
She can be tricky
I hope not
She has her own version of things
It just makes me angry...
My brother is still away
That doesn’t matter
I still do not feel like anything
I am quiet inside
My soul... or inner self
Is still unscathed
I have not changed
Much
My brother is close to
Three hundred pounds
I am going to tell him
To find out if that bath
Is still structurally safe
People are beginning to go home
For the day
They want to be in their houses
This is the only home...
The sun is going
The sounds of that bathtub
It has me really worried
My brother is getting me
Seafood pasta from the restaurant
Our... restaurant
It has always been touted that me
To be a family... effort
Though my sister has taken hold
In a strong way
Need to slow down
The hummingbird goes quiet
My brother has his own family
He is a very happy man
I wish... for myself
My sister is unwed too
It looks like life is meaningless
For some of us in America
I see two hummingbirds...
Hmm
Pretty interesting
Things are beginning to go dark
In a way I do not want it to
Because tomorrow will be here already
I don’t sleep well here at night
I try to stick it out
So that I am sleepy at the madhouse
And can just sleep there
Their wings are vibrating...
They are so little
I must look pretty peculiar here
Parking myself next to the garage
It is not seen from the street
But... I think the neighbors might be
Worrying about it
An owl makes it’s sound
You can feel... the day draining away
I am still excited by the prospect of
Having sex
I am not too good at it
I am yet another d soul
That feels his body
In some meaningless way
I am so happy...
What can I do about the madhouse
It exists
A lot of people don’t know... what
To do
With
It
I feel as scared as hell
The bathtub
And now Billie Eillish
Even a dog barking at me
Won’t be able to correct myself
For a long time now
Sex is out of the question
It was the neighbor’s dog
And Billie Eillish...
A pretty hard woman
Need to relax the smoking
I am being locked up
And they don’t want me moving around
No... walking!
I decide to start letting go of things
It will be a good night
Something about my body
I do not tell
Maybe I won’t have sex tonight
What is the point
Need to get my body back together
Love... is important to me
I get the feeling
No one is listening
If you find yourself a victim
Do not protect yourself
Be... unimportant
But considerate
I have felt a lot... of
Pain
Lately
Fear...
Trepidation
It won’t go away
Till I am loose from all that stuff...
I can’t go away completely
Food is on the way
My brother is at
Our restaurant picking it up
Hmmm
Seafood pasta
With a little cream
I have gotten a bit hungry
I can’t... shake that madhouse
Just yet
It is almost completely night
Don’t feel like sex
Food sounds fantastic
Black...
The sound of the planet
Beginning to rest
Starting to breathe
The tension insignificant
Sex...
It is what we do
We make babies with it
It completes us
In a good way
Feeling hurt
My body is beaten up
They are beginning to get to me
I don’t feel good about my life
I should
I don’t work
I write
A lofty goal
But it is alright with me
No money
I am considering alternatives
I would be safe in my old age
In a mobile home
I just can’t afford it
Yet
The words come rough...
And thoughtless
I keep my strength up
My brother is here...
With the food
I am full
Terribly good
Don’t want to think of the madhouse
Anymore
It is dangerous
How does my body feel
It is becoming black outside
I still will not go in
That restaurant works well
My step-father...
He runs it
He knows a lot about food
Fired my girlfriend at the time
A long time ago
I don’t see how I can forgive him
He is still mean
When he wants to be
Stern
He is so
Old...
My breathing is good now
I feel comforted
Sex is like... that
Things begin to change around me
The cars nearby sound heavy
I don’t know if there is a moon
It is almost completely black
Sex is a voracious subject
I lean on it
Hoping...
For
What comes
I do not think about it too much
I am done playing
But there is no romance
It stings to be alone
I breathe... in the night
I... hope for the black
Life is expensive
I do not waste time on my stuff
I do not like people
They interfere
They... drool
Trying to breathe
The neighbors are leaving
Saturday night
Things to do
It is good
What is tomorrow
It must be Sunday
Not a day want to see
Everything must stay still
Power
Silly word
I do not know what it means
People use words as if
They are trying to prove something
Completely black
Stars
The birds...
I do not know where they are
Private
Thoughtful
The night is thoughtful
A thoughtful time
Tomorrow is Sunday
I go back in the evening
I bet they miss me
I bet they miss disturbing me
With innocent words
And complicated reasoning
I am justified in my... home
They differentiate
And are in the practice
Of locking up others
It is very distressing
No woman tonight
That woman from Facebook
Is... nowhere to be found
I don’t know how to be happy
Now
I steady my nerves
I see they are still frail
It is completely black
The trees are taking a breath
I don’t care about anything
I force myself to be like that
Especially when people say to be sweet
My body... is coming into
A good place
I have got cramps
Mysteries
There is definitely no moon
I go to find it
I found it
It is a half moon
Not too terribly bright
The stars are very clear
I rock back and forth
On the hammock
Looking up
I did not deserve... a prison
I did not do anything harmful
But they are full of strange things
Those people...
They must not know about freedom
Too busy... to care about it
I have my cigarettes
I am looking up
Rocking back and forth
Gently
I am sometimes consumed by hatred
I have no ren
I might have to give up hope
I must
Have
ren
I am full from the food
There is nothing to think about
Gently... rocking
I don’t want to see the pornography anymore
I want something gentle
Consuming
And... long
It will be strange to me
The sound of a police car
Daunting
Two of them
I go to bed
The hammock is comfortable
The night is going to sleep
My body is... empty
So intent... on the invincibility of those people
What do surround ourselves with
They will not be spoken to
There is a coyote
I cannot grasp the ineptitude
Of locking up innocents
My body is warming up to sex
I will not think about it
The pleasure of the mind
The workings of the heart
So good
In this body
That has become wretched
Because of the connivance
Of the loud
Breathing
Thinking about sex
The allure of movement
The beating heart
Loud and... there
I must trust myself to be silent around here
I am losing it all you know
By becoming older
How is that to be
I am staring at the black
Waiting for it to get cold
The motionless breath of the night...
I see a plane
And can just... hear it
Lights are coming on
Everywhere
I start thinking of the sex
My plan is good
Rhythm
Muscles
Feel it in my bones
The night is huge
There is nothing like it
Ohhh that would be wonderful
It is seven
I rest
Ohhh
I like things private
They must let it alone
Disintegration
You must be peaceful to avoid it
God speaking to me
Maybe I will put on some music
And check up on my brother
He cannot solve my... problems
But he is helping
I let it alone
Only
The moonlight for me
It is placid
Everywhere
I giggle
And smoke a cigarette
It would terrible if I were found out
I must be silent
Does the door lock
I go look
It needs a key
And I don’t have it
...And I want it to be long
Interference would me
I smoke the cigarette
Privacy is so important
Secrets
I can hear the neighbors
It is Saturday night
They will not be asleep for a long time
I have organized everything
I go to check on the Facebook woman
I do not want to do it
I will be lazy instead
Relax and take this beautiful night in
Suddenly... my brother calls
He is to sleep
It is too early for me
I have been given space
It won’t take long...
I don’t know how to do it
I am just teasing you
My plan will work
But I don’t know how
It
Will
Be
That madhouse is a pressure
On me
Can I make it go away
Give me freedom
Perhaps I need more food
I find people so concerned about each other
I don’t care about it
I am always letting go of
Things
I wonder how my mother is
I think she gambled
Fifteen dollars
What a step into oblivion
I should call
But she likes... to be alone from me
The plan is good
I guess I have got to have a sense of humor
I need it to be warm
Shhh
I am warming up
Beginning to feel good
Shhh
The world is obsolete
I will forget about it
There’s the moon
It is bright and white
I finish the cigarette
I need money
I really need to think about that
A mobile home would be good...
I am going to move inside
And put the light off
Here I go
It is curious
I look for my company...
It makes me sad to know
That
I am interrupted
Hmmm
I am heard
I will wait for later
I need people to be solidly asleep
What to think about
What to think about
And... I need to change the plan
My body is hurting
I need it
I will go hide in a corner
Somewhere
Not sure...
I think my brother just came in
He did not see anything
Started moving things around in the garage
It is nighttime
Don’t believe it
I need to calm down
Something doesn’t like me
What else is there to do but this
When things are going badly
You don’t complain!
I need to adjust
There is a new plan
I just don’t feel like it anymore
Need some water
To drink
Shhh
He is loose
Cluttering up the house
My sister is probably even having
Bad thoughts about me now
And my mother probably thinks twice
About giving me birth
Need to breathe
Need to breathe...
All my relatives
I do not know them
All there is
Is this...
And we do not understand
The psychiatrist and his friends
Believe my kind
Should not even have ren
Because we make choices
They cannot believe!
I simmer down
I have to
This is not my house
And I am thirsty!
The garage looks different now...
The shame of it
I was feeling very well
Something I need to be
For a time
What now
I will give up
I need to
Need to think of something else
What... now!
I am in the garage
That is something
The cold of the night
Is just beginning
I need some ice cream
My brother is all over the house
Fixing up things
I hope it works for... him
I just realized
I need to be sneaky
Need some water
I go outside
Thoroughly defeated
I have some sweet iced tea
It is not natural
How we defeat ourselves
It feels like tomorrow
Is suddenly here
How harrowing
I am in that chair again
This is war
I will have my privacy
I will be left completely alone
I guess I have got to have
A sense of humor...
Smoking a cigarette
Thinking about
Nothing
Where is God now
I am sure he must be hiding
Himself from me
There are stars...
There is a moon
I just can’t quiet down anymore
That took me by surprise
I am sure of it
I have to do it differently
And think about it
What the hell is he doing...
I guess this is a private house
Not much I can do
I will buy that mobile home
We will see then...
I need a blanket
It is going to be cold
Tonight
My face is white
As white as death
I had better succeed
It is what I want
I was busy...
And I figured
The neighbor was listening to me
Sneaky
Of
Him
My brother has no lady in the house
I am very happy with my activity
I still have the sweet iced tea
Lipton
I think of the madhouse
But it is not important
Fire engine
It is late enough for everyone to sleep!
Powerless
That is the way I feel
Wonderful
Weak
Obstinate
Passionate
My eyes...
They must look unimportant
My legs...
And the muscles
The rhythm
Sharp and important
I... rest
I need my life back
Whatever it is
Whatever... they have left me
They think it is a joke
Me
I am not a joke
Cast out
And lonely
Going through hell
As it is
Around here...
My body is out of control
It likes it
The plan worked out pretty good
I must get back to the... activity
Sexual slavery I will call it
With a good... God present
None of that
If I knew you better
If things were different
Shhh
I breathe
The air is pure
The cold... relevant
The blankets are warm
I have arrived
I can forget
Now
I can be something different to them now
They will not recognize me
My feelings are still pertinent
And cool
War
Not a good thing to think of
Peace
I think is something important
I try to take my breaths
I am caught
In the light
Of a lightbulb...
I go inside
And switch on the lights
Of the garage
It is simple in here
A big square
With things... in it
I hear the brother rummaging upstairs
All the rest
Of the relatives
Must be quiet
I will not go to the madhouse against
They are not any help
It is strange how people are
Expected... to ask for help
It is after nine...
It will be pretty late soon
It is 22 hours before I have to return
To that mess
That they sell as a safe and good... place
I feel like getting back into bed
The phone is not charging
I cannot type
I let it be
Perhaps this plug
My heart is good
I continue
But I am a little frightened
Need it
Feel so...
Sometimes I do not know where I am
Because of the things they
Do
At the madhouse
I am drying up
My body...
Correct in every way
I long for someone
Need to lose my mind...
I go back in... that bed
No reward
There is no reward
In my self
And I let it go
My body goes quiet
It has been too lonely
And I am harassed... all the time
Who is fortunate
There are so few
And they have to be so steady
I want ren
Who is going to look at me
There is sweet iced tea
Outside
I gather myself
Every moment purposeful
It is definitely cold outside
And I am not looking forward to tomorrow
I drink the iced tea
I was agile
But I am definitely heartbroken
No one to talk to
And my life is definite trouble now
I am not homeless anymore...
I have climbed out
I have grown old
And you lose your intelligence
I must be steadfast
The neighbors are back
They make noise
It doesn’t matter
I am over it
They must not come to spy at me
It is night
Black
So you do not see
Me
My brother’s house is asleep
As are many others
My mother must be dreaming of good things
She is abrupt
I am an outcast
Because of all... of them
The community will not go away
Sex
It is morning
I feel delicate
Have some coffee
Sitting in a car
My brother is off taking photographs
The view is beautiful
Sunrise
There is a huge cloud on the ocean
And the sun is bright
Yellow
Last night was nice
It has been a long time
I am with myself
No woman
It is sad
But I can deal with it
All the consternation of the world
So dangerous
You feel vulnerable
But you get by
The light is something else here
He will be away for a while
Here comes the sun
It is wasting no time
Another cigarette
The sea is something else
I just watch
I must go fishing soon
The light will wash out the pictures
It is just good to be here
Why are we so threadbare
Sleepless
And mordant
We don’t take it seriously enough
It is beautiful what we have
So full of life
And expression
We can hardly keep up...
That was something else
The sun...
Sex is a part of us
It must go away
It feeds us
Love
There are boats and boats and boats here
There are some people as well
On this cliff
We are looking over
Down
Suicide
It makes me weep
Keep on going
We are too fragile
And the world too stern
Be gentle with one another
Delicate
The birds are awake
The coffee is good
Look at that cloud...
It is so low
I light another one
I am happy with what I have done
Made myself feel well
The nerves are stronger now
I can deal with the madhouse again
I am strong
What kind of day is it
No church for me
It is all here
What we need
The white of the sun
The grey of the sea
The blue of the sky
And us...
And the rest of it
This is our experience
Do not get locked up
The self suffers
And suicide is knocking
At your door
People make mistakes
Here comes my brother
Back to the coffee
We go
We drift down to the harbor
People are so busy
What do we care
I don’t know what they like
It is nice down here
I am out of cigarettes
Some people are going fishing...
Why do we even work
There is talk even... about a jackpot
On the boat
Taking the people fishing
They will enjoy themselves
I have to go back
It will be no fun
The things we do
What we have to take care of
Need to get back to my brother’s house
And do some washing
Of clothes
My brother is traipsing all over the place
Found some cigarettes...
I’ll be okay
The madhouse is hell to be in
What are we encouraged by
We need to lift our spirits and stay there
Life is an adventure
We do not look back
Made it... back to the house
Have to prepare to go back
To the madhouse tonight
I feel indifferent
Like I didn’t get enough
Am I still friends with my family
Only my brother
Everyone else has left me behind
They consider me ungrateful
My life...
I know it well
Being an outcast is a mean thing
I don’t know how I will get on
It means you are estranged
From the ones you love
Love...
A dark place I do not think about
Rife with subjectivity
And totalitarianism
Who runs the place...
I am too old for it
You have to be comfortable
What am I prepared for
The tension is visible
I have to get through the week
Cast out of my life...
No one
Still thinking of money
Getting a job
That mobile home
Girlfriend
ren
And playing guitar for them
I am sure of this
They can cast me out into the sea
For all I care
It will happen
I will be 106 when I die
And I will see my ren grow up
It just must be done
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